Pecking Away

Juggling work, family, and fun.

Hello. Hi there. How was your summer? You may have noticed (or you may not have) but I disappeared for a short time. Did you miss me? It’s okay, I missed you too! But it was summer, after all, and all three of my adorable, all-consuming children were home from school. More importantly, though, I felt like sleeping in. It just felt like a good time for me to rest. Yes, yes, I understand that writing is a discipline. And also sometimes disciplines need to cocoon. Rest is part of the discipline, you see. So, for the sake of my work, I rested. And played with my kids. It was all quite summer-y and wonderful, not counting a brief period in late July where I became frustrated with the pace of my work and writing and raged through an entry (that I won’t post) about how I repetitively undervalue myself and that’s the reason why all my new hopes and dreams haven’t bloomed yet. Anyways, I learned that frustration can be productive too. I hammered through my book proposal that very next week to prove to myself that I’m not complacent, then re-declared to myself my right to play.

I do have to re-declare these things to myself time and again. Do you have to do the same? Balancing responsibility and peace creeps up on me, and before I know it, I’m agitated by this feeling that I’m somehow not accomplishing enough. The dream is that while I’m being responsible, I am peaceful. But for me, peace can easily become filled with constant pondering of whether or not I am being lazy or if I’m at capacity.

Complacency, capacity and desire are things I think about quite a lot. Sure, the desire to do things may be there, but is the capacity? At what point is productivity a capacity issue and at what point is it a complacency problem? If rest and play are a part of discipline, should they be sacrificed to accomplish more?

I tried that once – sacrificing my free play to push forward on a few big goals. I convinced myself that big dreams are made of sacrifices. They are sometimes, but what to sacrifice is the real question. So, I did something I never thought I’d do; I set aside my workout time to finish my book and focus on new fundraising for my nonprofit. I always told myself that work would never be more important than my workout. But I did it. “It’s just for a short time”, I told myself.

It only lasted a few weeks, and it was a disaster. I’ve never been more tightly wound in my life, and I found myself leaning on alcohol too much each afternoon to help me relax. The thing that gave me pause on this track was the realization that there was a fairly wide gap between desire and capacity. There was no way around it. The desire was there, but even with giving up my workout hour to fuel more work, the results weren't anything significant. There were results, but not the significant ones I needed to justify the means I’d taken. So, I backtracked. I etched my daily workout back into my calendar and haven't deleted it since. The evening drinks became less, then disappeared. Lesson learned.

So anyways, I’m still here. Pecking through my book proposal (which I just wrapped up my final draft for this week!) and keeping the running machine across America for MS moving while cultivating the lives of my three little people and nurturing my marriage. When I write it out in one sentence, it certainly reads like I’m doing enough. WTF mind? See? It’s all in plain text! This is plenty. Let me the fuck be. (Just kidding, keep pushing me along. I really want to get this book published. And unlock the next phase of giving for my nonprofit. But I really like my family too, so just let me be while I’m with them, okay? You get what you get, and that’s all there is to the time in the day. Got it?)

I think I have it for now. I can’t wait to get frustrated again about the juggling act between work, family, and fun and have to re-declare this to myself in the future.