Touching The Sun

Accepting challenges and feeling the warmth.

I am growing. I feel it in my thoughts and actions. I can’t say that I’ve always welcomed it, because its come from difficult challenges, but I can’t deny the results. And in acceptance I wonder if this growth is exactly what is needed for what’s ahead. I know it is. That is the process, after all. The closer I get to the truest version of myself and what I should be doing, the more confident I am. The adversity keeps me on track, like a lighthouse bringing me into harbor.

Because of the raw nature of my last post, I’ll go here; my niece Caroline, who was born early at home at 27 weeks and who I wrote about in my most recent entry, is doing well. Very well, all things considered (those things being all the many reasons she could have died). But she didn’t die – miraculously, thankfully, so gratefully. And she’s here – growing and thriving and bringing smiles each day. I’m in awe of her little body and big spirit. In awe of her determination to be here and her ability to bring people together, all rallied by the chance to draw near to something so profound.

I am drawn to it too. Her living feels exceptionally good. I go about my life, taking care of my family, doing my work, exercising, and wading through the highs and lows of my days – and Caroline is here. Her pictures and her progress fill my heart in a way I couldn’t have predicted.

In this glow, I can see the contrast of my life. I can see how grandiose goals and unrealistic expectations have weighed on me in a way that I’m only now considering. The joy that is Caroline feels like touching the sun, which is acute and concerning to me because the sun used to be everywhere. Somehow, over the years of forging new funding for my nonprofit and writing a book while creating three humans and caring for them, the life of what I was doing cooled. When did parts of me become so cynical and discouraged? I fight it often, but I can’t deny that I feel tired and frustrated for stretches that last longer than I’m accustomed to.

Either, I must grow to actualize these goals or I must change the goals. And I am persistent AF so I’ll let you conclude which one I’m working on.

On publishing my book, I still have a world of possibilities on the path I’ll take. The book proposal (that I was working on for much of 2023) was finalized in October and I’ve been actively pitching it to literary agents since. I’ve received a lot of wonderfully encouraging remarks(!!!), which is more than most writers receive, but no representation yet. I wonder who my agent will be. I wonder how I’ll get published. I wonder when the time will come when I’ll be the author unboxing their book, and you’ll be the reader, holding in your hands what I’ve been creating for the past six years.

I would be lying if I said that the waiting is easy.

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